Squish

History

In the spring of 2005, the Board of Directors of Grass Roots Ultimate (GRU) recognized the urgent and critical need for a reproducible scientific method for measuring the fitness of a grass field for Ultimate games.  They commissioned the design of an experimental new device for measuring “squish” and after an extended prototyping period, the Squishmaster 1000 was born.

Construction

The Squishmaster 1000 began life as a Nike 921101 UF1 “men’s cleat” in size US 10.  This shoe was painstakingly crafted to exacting tolerances by a team of artisans in Thailand, then delivered to the US by special courier. On arrival, the shoe was aged for 24 months at room temperature in an undisclosed thrift store in Broomfield, Colorado.

The shoe was then legally transferred to Big Hair Todd Scientific Devices. At the lab, the shoe was cleaned with a damp cloth to prepare its surface.

Meanwhile, a team of technicians made special modifications to a wooden ruler, removing the metal strip and roughly two-thirds of the wood.  The shortened ruler was then firmly affixed to the shoe, using several strips of glossy black 2” gaffer tape.  After an intensive calibration exercise, the Squishmaster 1000 was certified for duty.

The final step was to prepare the Pressure Applicator.  Careful analysis of the problem resulted in the conversion of a used pine closet rod.

Protocol for Use

The Squishmaster 1000 has been carefully designed for ease of use in the field.  Using the pressure applicator, the user presses down on the shoe with exactly 300 newtons of force for 5.0 seconds, while the shoe is level on a section of turf.  If this generates a puddle of standing water (or any other liquid), the user then measures the depth of the fluid on the attached ruler.

By international law, the maximum allowable squish depth for civilian recreational games is 1.0 cm.  Standing water deeper than the 1.0 cm tolerance will force the cancellation of Ultimate until the squish is absorbed by the turf and turf underlayment.

Photographs

The Squishmaster 1000 undergoes final certification testing, using standard indoor carpet instead of turf.  As you can see by the photo, the level of the carpet is 0.9 cm.  If this test created a puddle that deep, the fields would be almost too squishy to play.  (this photo is in black-and-white because that’s just how we do things in the scientific instruments business) Here’s a photo showing a side view of the Squishmaster 1000 before the final certification test.  Note the protective layer of glossy black gaffer tape, which insulates the delicate mechanism from water, snow, and other squishy fluids. This picture also shows the proper technique for using the Pressure Applicator, which is straight down, directly over the “heel” of the “shoe”. Another side view of the Squishmaster 1000, illustrating the relative position of the cleats and the end of the calibrated squish measurement mechanism (the ruler). Here is a rare “back side” view of the right side of the Squishmaster 1000.  From this angle, it would be easy to mistake this precision instrument for an ordinary shoe. Our test engineer demonstrates the proper handling of the Pressure Applicator, which is accurately sized to safely fit any normal sized human hand.

The Squishmaster 1000 model is now in production and available for public sale.  Place your order today by emailing todd@toddbradley.com.